Dope
by horror.story.liars
Summary: Spencer Hastings has always struggled with pressure. What began as a little pick me up here and a little escape there has grown into something far beyond her control. As her addictions begin to tear at her closest friendships and her one true love, She's about to find out the full cost of living high. Spemily four shot set to Dope by Lady Gaga.
1. Don't Leave Me

I don't even know how I got in here, that fake ID that Alison got me is awful. I guess that they don't much care as long as they're getting business. There are only three other people here. Two guys playing pool and a scrawny little old man at the opposite end of the bar. I see her name pop up on my phone again and let it buzz. It's too late now, I've already fucked it up. No sense in talking it out. I stood her up again.

"One more, please." I say shaking my empty shot glass at the bar tender.

"You said that three scotches ago." He grins at me. I just stare at him with no expression. I want to be clear that I'm not here to joke or hang out. I'm here to punish myself.

I take the drink in one long swallow. The smoky undertones hit my nostrils and I feel the warmth trail from the core of my chest out towards my fingertips. I set the glass down and sigh. In a deeper sense I begin to contemplate my surroundings. How did I get here? How did my life end up here? How did I end up depending on chemicals to get me through everyday life so much that I would constantly let down the one person who means a damn thing to me?

I probably should head home. Hell I should probably call her. Either way I should stop drinking, it doesn't always mix well with my downers. Fuck it, at this point oh well. I've already lost the one person who loved me more than anyone else.

"One more last one and then my bill, alright?" I say coldly. I'll tip him extra for having to deal with me.

"I'll make it a double then. On the house." He winks at me and slides it over. I scoff. Even fate wants me to get fucked up. If I believed in fate. We all know I'm too logical for that. The only thing that I believe in is her.

That last one was enough to send my head spinning. I stand by the bar stool momentarily to steady myself before trying to take actual steps. Once I'm confident I head for the door. I hail a taxi and head home. Even fucked up Spencer isn't that dumb. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I silence it immediately. The cold glass of the window feels amazing on my head. I love the way the chemicals roll through my body, how I can feel them altering things along the way. Downers, painkillers, and scotch are a lovely mix for me tonight. I lean back on my head rest and let my mind wander.

I shouldn't be surprised that it wanders straight to her. All of that information stored up there and the only memory I care about is the long legged swimmer I've been best friends with for almost my entire life. I drift away to when we were just kids, maybe twelve or thirteen. She was at my house and everyone else had fallen asleep. She had her eyes shut next to me but I knew that she was awake. I slid closer to her not really knowing why. She had glanced at me nervously and then smiled a little.

"Em, are you awake?" I whispered.

"Yeah." She was so nervous, almost like she could hear my pounding heart and knew what I was about to do.

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered even more quietly.

"Anything." She said softly.

"Have you ever been kissed?" I asked, though I knew the answer. I still don't know what made me do it. She shook her head no.

"Me either." I said softly. I checked the other girls to make sure that they hadn't woken up. When I did she slid closer to me and I smiled in surprise. She was being so gutsy.

I considered asking her if she wanted to try it together. I considered asking if it would be okay. But the way that she had stared at my lips had felt like permission enough. I tucked her hair behind her ear and held onto her head before I slowly brought my lips to hers. I couldn't believe how soft and sweet they were.

I remember it felt like a spark went off, enough that I actually thought that I had shocked her for a moment. I had only intended to just give her that one soft little kiss. But the way that she immediately became so breathless, I became hungry for another… and then another. We even ended up letting our tongues explore each other's mouths a little. I remember feeling hot all over, kind of like the first time that I ever took a shot of liquor.

It was weird though, because for me, I hadn't ever thought about girls like that. Hell, I hadn't even really thought about Emily that way. Looking back I guess I always thought that she was attractive, she was more beautiful, more intelligent, more funny, and more kind than anyone else. I just always had a special connection to her. Which now I know why. Because she is the best and truest friend that I could ever ask for. At least, she was.

"Lady, are you going to get out of the cab and pay me or am I gonna have to call the cops?" The cab driver suddenly pulls me from my peaceful remembering and thrusts me back into the real world.

"Yeah. Sorry." I say dropping some money at him and stumbling up to my room. I can feel her presence before I open the door but I still feel surprised when I see her crying on my bed.

"Oh, Spencer." She cries out running to me and wrapping her arms around me. I stiffen instead of engulfing her in an embrace like I want to.

"Where were you? Where have you been? I was terrified that something awful had happened to you!" She is holding my face in her hands and I can't look at her. I am suddenly terribly embarrassed of my glazed over bloodshot eyes.

"I'm okay." I whisper. I don't deserve her gentle touch. She steps back slightly.

"You're drunk." She says plainly. I can't look at her.

"You missed my meet and skipped out on dinner and ignored me all night so that you could go get drunk!?" She demands leaning down to catch my eyes.

"And other things." I whisper. It's the wrong answer.

"Spencer, I thought you were hurt." Her lip quivers and I feel like I could die. I lift an arm to hug her and she pushes me causing the pills to fall out of my sweatshirt and onto the ground.

"No! Shit." I curse trying to grab them before she sees. She shakes her head and facetious laughter escapes her mouth.

"If you want that stuff more than you want me in your life then congratulations, I'm gone." Her face is fierce and it takes the deepest part of me and sends it shattering to the ground. I feel the shards twist and cut me from the inside out. I cough out a sob and for a moment I actually think that I taste blood. It's only in my mind of course. She begins to walk past me and I grab her arms desperately, finally letting the tears take over.

"Please, God, no Emily I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I'll throw them out I swear to god I swear, just please don't go." She tries to slide out of my grip and I just keep clinging to her.

"Emily, Please!" I sob and she finally can't fight anymore. She let's me cling to her neck and wraps me in her arms. She leads me to my bed where I sit and she remains standing. I hold her tighter than I have ever held anyone, burying my face in her stomach.

"I love you, Emily." I cry.

"I love you too Spence. And that's why I need you to flush that stuff. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you to this okay?" She's crying again. I walk past her and grab the bag without thinking. I dump them in the sink and turn the faucet on.

"They're gone. I need you, I don't need them. I need you so much, even more now. I would die if I lost you." Immediately after saying it, I realize that it's true.

"I'm here. I'm here." She soothes as she pulls me back into her arms. I can only stare at the sink behind her as I cry and wonder if any of the pills got lodged in the drain that I can retrieve after she leaves.


	2. My Heart Would Break Without You

"Listen dude, I don't want to do a line with you. I have said no every time that I've picked my shit up from you. And I will continue to say no to you every time that I pick my shit up from you. This isn't some social bullshit for me. I just want my stuff and I want to go. Okay?" I say tiresomely to my coke guy from the driver's seat of my car. He always leans just a little too far into the window for my comfort.

"Oh, come on, who says no to extra drugs? This is good shit." He smiles.

"I know. And that is the only reason that I continue to interact with you." I smile smartly at him as I snatch the bag from his hand and hand him the money. I leave quickly never wanting to hang around much. I honestly think part of why I can't stop this is the thrill that I get.

I like to pretend that the coke started to pass my finals. I mean, the fact that I dabbled in it senior year is irrelevant right? Whatever. Cut some cocaine with a percocet and you have Spencer's power weekend. I mean it does help me study, gives me a boost with my adderall. The fact that I'm not currently in classes probably is also irrelevant.

"Hey you!" I say excitedly into my phone as Emily picks up.

"Hey Spence. What are you up to?" She asks.

"Just lounging around. You know, taking it easy for once." I lie.

"Oh. You've just been lying around your apartment all morning?" She asks.

"Yeah, last semester was a killer, I'm trying to teach myself the art of relaxation." I tease.

"Sounds very unlike you." She laughs uneasily.

"Well, maybe I'm just resting up to see you tonight." I say coyly.

"We're still on for tonight then?" She asks cautiously.

"Of course!" I act like it's silly that she would have to wonder if I was going to cancel on her. Like I'm not a piece of shit friend.

"Okay. I'll make reservations then. I'll see you tonight, okay?" She chirps happily in my ear.

"See you then." I absent mindedly say looking at the baggy in my lap.

An hour later and my entire apartment is sparkling clean and I have written pages and pages of prose. I come in and out of focus and whole periods of time fly by so quickly that it doesn't seem like any time has gone by at all. Like I blink my eyes and boom fifteen minutes. I yawn and bang half an hour. My phone goes off.

'Remember, reservations are at 5!' Emily says. I send her back a happy face.

Then I get distracted by the internet. Then I start making lists and that is just about the most dangerous thing for me right now. I start with a list of things I want to do this week. That turns into a list of things that I want to do by the end of the year. That turns into a five year plan. Then I start putting shakespeare's plays in order of my favorites. Then I list out my favorite classical pieces. Then I notice that I am still riding super fucking high and I only have an hour to come back down and meet Emily.

"Damn it, Spencer!" I say getting up from my seat. I panic and take a Xanax bar out of my pill case. I crush it into a fine powder and inhale it through my right nostril. I exclusively use my right nostril. People think it's weird that my chronic nosebleeds always start on that side. Ha!

God I love that initial hit, even the drainage taste is incredible. I perform my nostril clearing rituals and step over to my antique bar cart. I got it with Emily and Aria on a weekend trip to Ann Arbor last year. That was just after Hanna stopped speaking to me. Something about not being able to watch me self destruct, I don't know whatever. I take a shot of Johnnie Walker Black. God, that feels good too. I take one more, I really need to rush this shit if I'm going to make it to dinner.

I lay down on the couch with an arm over my eyes to let this hit. I feel the weight starting in my mouth and my fingertips. I let myself drift away for a moment. And as usual I drift into a memory of her. I see her on our spring break trip senior year.

We went to southern California just the four of us girls. One morning the girls all wanted to sleep in but I couldn't sleep at all (as usual) and Emily got up early too. We went down to the beach and took a walk. It was surprisingly brisk, the sun was just barely rising. She was wearing these super short white shorts and a black halter top. God those long bronze legs were so perfectly shiny and smooth that I wanted to reach out and touch them. It was a year after the incident between us where I had promised to give up drugs. I of course ended up right back to where I started but I was better about being a faithful friend to her. I remember watching her with her long slightly sun bleached hair blowing in the wind and I felt that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach just like when we were thirteen and our lips touched for the first time. I nudged her with my shoulder keeping my hands in my pockets and she laughed pushing me back. Then she linked her arm through mine as we walked. She leaned her body and head against me and it was the most beautiful sunrise that I had ever seen. I realized that if I could harness that feeling, I would never need another drug in my whole life.

I leap off of the couch knowing my mistake immediately. The clock on the stove says 1:04. No, no no no. God, I can't believe I did it again. I could have spent time with the real Emily and instead I choose to pass the fuck out and dream about her. Why do dreams have to be so much fucking easier than reality? I grab my phone expecting a million missed calls and texts, I'm already rehearsing my story. I look and see one missed call, no messages whatsoever. That's even worse. I am still too drowsy to drive. I know that it's fucked up but I do a small line of coke before leaving. I know it will jolt me enough to get me there.

Too much, as usual Spencer. For God's sake why can't I learn self- control? I am shaking all over and grinding my teeth so hard that I feel like they might break off. My knuckles are white on the steering wheel. I just need to see her. I need to fix it. I need her to fix me. I need a fix.

I knock and knock at her door. I bet she's glad that she chose to rent a house and not an apartment because her neighbors would all be complaining by now. I smack on the door as hard as I can. I feel every impact shaking clear to my bones but I don't care. I kick the door as hard as I can.

"Fuck!" I yell. I know my toe is broken but I don't care about that either.

I look at her house. I know that I can get in. I start messing with the screen to the window by her front door. It doesn't want to come out so I tear at it. Fuck it, I'll buy her a new one. I end up bending the metal frame and ripping it out. After what feels like hours I give up on opening it I can't get traction. I take a rock and before thinking about I use it to break the pane. I barely notice the pieces that hit my knuckles. I clear the opening and climb in. I get to her bedroom door and pound on it. When it doesn't open I sob and lean against it slowly sliding to the ground.

"God, what have I done!" I cry out. How do I always ruin the one good thing I've got?

I suddenly fall back as the door opens behind me. I stand quickly wrapping my sweater tight around my frame. I hadn't noticed how thin that I've gotten until now. I bought this sweater and it was a bit tight last month. It's falling off of me now. Her face is stone cold. She doesn't even look upset anymore. Just tired. I don't even know what to say so I don't. I just wait, my eyes the size of dinner plates.

"What, did your stuff wear off so I'm important again? Or did you get the munchies and want your leftovers from the meal you never showed up for?" She asks matter of factly leaning on the door frame. She doesn't even acknowledge my bleeding hand.

"I don't smoke weed anymore." I correct her.

"Oh, did it get to safe and boring for you too?" She hisses.

"You aren't safe and boring." I say my voice beginning to shake. She leans towards my face slightly.

"You're strung out right now aren't you." She accuses.

"I can't help it Emily! Do you think that I want to be this way?! I know that you hate me, but trust me, no one hates me more than I do." I am crying again.

"I don't hate you. I hate that shit you put into yourself." She says.

"Em…" I start but my voice leaves my throat. I look into her eyes. Christ, they're so beautiful. She's so beautiful. I remember how breathless she got when I kissed her all of those years ago. I want to make her feel good like that again. If I could just take her breath away again she'd forget all about this.

Before she can protest I am gripping her head and pressing our mouths together in a hungry and desperate kiss. I suck lightly at her unresponsive bottom lip. I press another light kiss on her lips. When I go in again I can feel her guard begin to crumble as her mouth moves against my own. It's different than that first kiss. This one is filled with pain, suffering, loss, and more than anything it is filled with need. She still tastes just as sweet. She suddenly pushes me back. It is only then that I realize that I wasn't just kissing her because I wanted her to feel good. I kissed her because I am in love with her.

"What do you think you're doing Spencer?" She demands touching her lips now swollen with arousal. She can't even fake disgust.

"What I should have never stopped doing all of those years ago." I say pulling her body back into my own.

"Em, I can't live without you, I can't. Not because you're my best friend. Because you're my soulmate." I say. She's breathless already as our mouths crash together again.

Of course I have fantasized about sex with Emily before. I mean, how can you see her and not? She is a perfect human specimen. I never really thought that our first time would be like this though. We stumble to the bed. I fall on top of her and move myself to straddle her. She whimpers into our kiss, completely at my mercy. I cautiously slide my hands up her shirt.

She makes eye contact with me then, and it's like you can see her remember the events of the night and anger returns to her face. She aggressively repositions us so that she is on top. She tosses her t-shirt to the floor and tugs at my hair. She kisses my now exposed neck and bites at my collarbone. Her hands don't graze and caress like they used to, now they smack and scratch. I fucking love it. I let her undress us both. She feels how wet I am for her and it's like it unleashes an animal within her. She pounds two fingers into me and I gasp. She drives in harder and harder. No matter how hard she gives it I want more. Her hands are magic, I can feel all of the experience that she has and that almost makes it hotter. With the years of desire paired with the cocaine in my system I cum harder than I have ever imagined possible. I see colors everywhere and swear I hear music. She begins to use her tongue on me and I can barely handle how strong the sensations are. I'm shaking, I feel charged with electricity, I feel everything. I don't even know how many times I cum because it all just kept feeling better and better and building more and more, more like one big euphoric orgasm than separate climaxes.

She frabs my thighs and jerks me down the bed. Before i can think of why she is throwing a leg over my face to straddle it. She lowers herself to my tongue and she tastes like a goddamn fantasy and her hips grinding hard on my mouth are an image I'll never forget. She goes harder and faster and as I begin to moan the vibrations cause her to climax, her thighs grip my head so hard that I think she may snap my neck. I can't contain my need to feel her. I can't contain my need for more. I toss her down on the bed and finger fuck her so hard that her headboard chips at her dry wall. She screams and whimpers under me and all I can do is press harder, groan louder, pump faster. After her fifth orgasm she finally grabs my hands and pulls them away from herself.

"Spencer, not all of us have chemicals to keep us going." She says sliding out from under me and heading for the bathroom.

I would be offended by her abrupt departure but honestly it's probably best, I need to cool down. All I want to fucking do is tear down that bathroom door and destroy her all over again. I pace a few steps around the room. It helps the blood to flow away from between my legs. After a few minutes she comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of black spandex boy short underwear.

"Em…" I start grabbing her and pulling her into my body. I breathe deeply to control my urges.

"I love you." I say into her neck.

"I love you too." She cries and so do I, because she is too tired to bother hiding that she wishes she didn't.


	3. I'll Hate Myself Until I Die

"Here! I'm here!" I say desperately running into her landing still putting in an earring.

"We were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago Spencer!" She is clearly frustrated.

"I'll drive fast, come on baby." I say extending my hand and winking at her.

Lucky for me she's a sucker for the wink. She reluctantly takes my hand and I lead her to my car opening the door for her. She looks beautiful in her little blue cocktail dress and I tell her so. Her hair is jet black again like when we were kids and she has straightened it to the point that it looks like strands of silk coming from her head.

"You look nice too." She finally returns. She loves it when I wear my cardigan and blouse with straight leg black slacks. She says I look dapper.

We have been seeing each other for nearly a year now and she refuses to call me her girlfriend or even discuss the possibility of moving in together. I understand completely but I really would love to be able to not have to commute to my girlfriend's house or, you know, be able to refer to her as that out loud. She doesn't trust me though and I of all people know that she shouldn't. She is at least trusting me enough to take her to her office party tonight.

"Spence, you look like you're trying to bend the steering wheel in half. Are you okay?" She asks with a slight amount of concern but mostly with that damned tone that implies so much more than she's saying.

"Do you mean am I high?" I ask exasperatedly.

"That's not what I said." She says it openly, letting me know that she still expects an answer.

"Well for the record princess I am sober as hell. Hence wanting to bend this steering wheel in half." I say making my frustration obvious.

"Am I allowed to worry about you?" She says, her voice now smokey as she leans over to kiss my ear.

"I don't know you make the rules, remember." I say coldly as I pull into the restaurant.

"Honey, I know you're nervous. I know that you like to pick fights when you're nervous. But it's going to be okay." She says placing a loving hand on my cheek.

"I've never done an event like this without a little help." I say suggestively so that she knows the kind of help that I mean.

"Well now you have me to help you." She says and she kisses me so sweetly. She does always know what to say. I feel like maybe I can do this.

We walk in and everyone goes crazy over Emily. She is popular everywhere she goes. She excitedly introduces me and everyone is kind and shakes my hand and assures me that they've heard a lot about me. About the fifth handshake in and I'm ready to swallow about twenty thousand pills. It's loud and everyone is so close to me. I can smell a hundred different perfumes and colognes and food grease all at once. Em notices my breathing turning erratic and presses her body into my back with her hands around my waist. To the rest of the crowd it looks like an endearing hug between two lovers. She is trying to help me match her breathing, trying to save me.

Slowly I feel my heart rate slow a bit and my breathing follows suit. I feel our inhaling and exhaling begin to melt together. She kisses me right between the shoulder blades and nothing has ever felt so soothing. I love this woman. I love her.

"Is that better baby? Are you okay now?" She asks, her voice full of concern.

"I'm much better. You're the best." I whisper into her ear.

"Let me go get you a glass of wine." I say. She nods.

I see a bar across the restaurant and even though there is one right next to us I head over there instead. Emily prefers white Zinfandel and I prefer something harder. I get the bartender's attention.

"Hey, can I get a glass of your best white zin, and also two shots of Johnnie Walker please?" I ask smiling. I am pretty good at this whole having it together performance.

"Red or black?" He asks as he pours the wine.

"Black, please." I have a cheshire smile plastered on my face as I watch the beautiful Amber liquid fill the glasses in front of him. He's barely done pouring them before I down them both. I slide the glasses far from me and put two pieces of gum in my mouth to mask the smell. I can still taste the scotch through them.

"Can I get a water also?" I ask as I hand him the money with a hefty tip.

"Thank you so much." He says handing me the wine and water. I take a long drink of the water. My chest feels warm and I feel better already.

When I get back to Emily she is seated at a table next to some blonde. My whole body tenses up. She doesn't have to tell me that this is Kylie, the girl she talks about all the time. Her new BFF. She has told me a lot about her. But, she left out the part where she looks just like Alison. And the part that they giggle together like little school girls. And that they lean in real close to each other's ear to talk even though it's not that loud in here.

"Hi!" I say over enthusiastically.

"Oh, hey babe, come sit down." She says excited. She takes the wine from me.

"I didn't want to interrupt." I laugh but she knows it's not a joke.

"This is," she begins to introduce her little friend.

"Kylie?" I ask with my fake smile.

"Yeah." She says finally tired of my charade. I shake Kylie's hand with gusto.

"It is a pleasure to meet you!" I chirp at her.

"You too, I've heard a lot about you." Kylie smiles all sugary sweet. Emily isn't smiling anymore.

"I've heard a lot about you too!" Kylie has no idea that I'm mocking her.

"That's enough Spencer." Emily mouths to me. I lean back in my chair as to end the conversation with Kylie.

She reaches over and grabs my hand. I feel a rush of guilt. Even when I'm being childish and inappropriate she shows me care and affection. I don't know what I've done to deserve her. I don't actually. Maybe that's why I am so insecure about Kylie. Because honestly she would probably be better for her.

"I love you, you know." I whisper to her putting my chin on her shoulder.

"I know baby." She says and leans her head on mine for a moment.

"Do you need another glass of wine?" I ask innocently.

"I can get it." She says beginning to stand.

"No, no, no. You sit. I'll bring it back to you." I assure her. She'll attribute it to chivalry I'm sure.

"Hey, can I get another white zin and two more Johnnie Walker shots?" I ask leaning far over the bar and keeping an eye on Emily. She doesn't need to know a thing.

The liquor is gone and in my system before she can even look over. More gum, and more water and I hope that it's enough to cover the distinct smoky scent. I can feel the numbness creeping across my fingertips and lips. I look back at Em and see her touch Kylie's forearm as she laughs hard. What I notice though is Kylie's response to the touch. She looks down to her hand and smiles and then looks at Emily's laughing face. The same way that I used to stare at her.

"Actually, one more Johnnie please." I smile casually at the bartender.

"Am I going to have to cut you off?" The man jokes with me.

"Oh, honey. Don't you worry about me. A Hastings can handle their liquor." I laugh quickly taking the shot and destroying the evidence. I return with Emily's wine.

"So Kylie, tell me about you. You have a boyfriend?" I ask noticing a lack of ring.

"Actually my girlfriend and I just broke up." She says sadly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, what happened?" I ask, Emily staring like lasers through the side of my head.

"She wasn't the trustworthy type." She says it to Emily instead of to me.

"Wow, sounds terrible." I say, followed by laughing way too hard at my own statement. Then Emily gets the look.

"Can I have a kiss Spencer?" She asks pointedly.

"Oh honey you don't want to smudge that pretty lipstick." I smile and begin to suck down my water.

"Kiss me." She says it quietly but through her teeth. She has me and she knows it.

I relent. I press my lips softly to hers. She aggressively grabs the back of my head and shoves her tongue into my mouth. It runs along mine and I know that she can taste the scotch mixing with the cinnamon gum. I expect her to push me away immediately. Instead she places her other hand on my cheek and continues to tease my tongue with her own. She sucks my lip hard as she finally pulls away. She stares into my eyes.

"Get in the car." Her voice is so dark that it scares me.

I don't say a word, I just casually stride out the door knowing that she is hot on my heels. I have no idea what to expect anymore with her. I know that her unpredictable ways are all my fault. I am unpredictable and often frightening so of course she no longer knows how she is going to react either. I don't know how I could expect her to. She suddenly speeds up and opens the passenger side door for me. I tense up a bit. I know that I didn't know how she was about to react but I definitely didn't expect that. I don't look at her as I get in the car. I stare down at my hands as she slides into the driver's seat. We both sit in silence.

"You said that you had quit drinking." She says very calmly with both of her hands on the steering wheel.

"I had. I haven't drank for months." I say.

"Oh, weird because you'd told me that you hadn't drank since we had started seeing each other and your mouth tastes like scotch." She is trying her best to sedate her anger.

"Well, speaking of people leaving out details, what about you? You didn't bother telling me that Kylie looks just like your first love!? That she was a total knockout and that she is gay and clearly in love with you?" I don't bother sedating mine. I see hear gears turning for a moment.

"You know, you're right she does look like Alison now that you mention it I hadn't noticed. But, for the record she wasn't my first love." She says.

"Then who?" I roar feeling even more jealous.

"Are you blind? Seriously, you have to ask?" She demands tears filling her eyes for the first time. I remain silent.

"You were my first love. You were! I loved you from the moment that you gave me my first kiss. And as much as I wish I could I will never stop loving you, not ever." Tears run down her cheeks. I haven't seen her cry since the night the we confessed our love.

"Em... I'm sorry." It's all I can manage. She laughs.

"Me too." She stares into my eyes and I feel her words constricting my heart.

"I'm taking you home." She says and then reaches for the glove box for my spare key. I try to block her but she gets to it before I can. She discovers that it's locked and I put my head into my hands. She is frozen.

"Spencer. Why is your glove box locked?" I see her hand shaking unmoved from the door of my glove compartment. I can only sob into my hands.

"Answer me! Why is it locked! What is in your fucking glove box Spencer!? What the fuck is it!?" I've never seen her like this. She is screaming and pounding at the glove box. I've never even heard her swear before.

"You know why, Emily!" I only raise my voice so she can hear me over her own yelling.

"I want you to say it! I want you to say out loud what you love more than me! You had a choice, now tell me what you chose!" I'm actually afraid of her in this moment.

"It's cocaine, norco, and xanax." I finally say so quietly she can barely hear me.

"Well I hope the four of you are very, very happy." She jeers. I reach for her weakly as she slams the car door and walks to the edge of the street to hail a cab.

I curl up in a ball and sob myself to sleep in my car. She was the good in me. And now I have nothing left.


	4. I Need You More Than Dope

I am impeccably good at entering the same vein and minimizing my tracks. Just like everything else I guess I like to be very precise. As I slowly press the chemical into my bloodstream the lyrics begin to play throughout the dingy house.

 _Bell bottom blues, you made me cry_

 _I don't want to lose this feeling_

 _And if I could choose a place to die_

 _It would be in your arms_

How appropriate. A rush of emotions and chemically induced feelings begin to wash over me. I still wish that I was in her arms. It has been a year. A year since I have heard her voice. A year since I have held her close. A year since I have kissed her sweet mouth. It has also been a year since I have held a steady job. A year since I have owned anything but a car. A year since I have felt anything but this ripping and tearing emptiness inside of me.

Fuck it. I grab the syringe that I had prepared for tomorrow and I uncap it. I insert it exactly where I had inserted the last one. With an unsteady hand I accidentally press it's entire contents into my body. I feel a jolt of fear. I know it was too much. I don't even care if I die, but I would just want one more day. Please let me have one more day. Because I just need to see her one last time. I pull out my phone and as the chemicals really start to take hold I drop it to the floor in front of me. I lay my head beside it and poke at it with one limp finger. I send the address that I am at to Emily. And I tell her that I still love her. And then I close my eyes.

 _Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you?_

 _Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back?_

 _I'd gladly do it because_

 _I don't want to fade away_

 _Give me one more day, please_

 _I don't want to fade away_

 _In your heart I want to stay_

The first thing that I hear is screaming. A girl is hysterically screaming, god she must be having one bad trip. I actually feel somewhat okay. My head hurts. And my hands. And I can't stop shaking, I'm so cold. Like really cold, goddamn. I curl into myself. Why won't that girl stop screaming? Someone needs to take care of her. I try to lift my head but I'm shivering too much. I'll just lay here this is nice. At least the screaming stopped, now it's just a lot of talking and rambling. Ugh, leave me alone! Why is someone grabbing me?

I am being sat up and realize that not only am I shivering as though I were convulsing but I can't support my own body weight. My head hits the wall behind me hard but I gain composure enough to lean against it. I try to blink my eyes open. Everything is so blurry, but I see a face. Someone is right in front of me. Fuck, I'm too gone to deal with this.

"Spencer?" The voice of an angel comes to me. I blink hard trying to see.

"Emily…" I breathe out and slowly reach an unsteady limp hand towards her. I touch her face.

"Oh god, Spencer I thought you were dead. I knew I should have taken you to the hospital." She is sobbing and she holds my hand to her cheek. I look around. I'm in her bathtub.

"You came for me." My voice is so hoarse. It hurts badly to talk. She nods.

"I missed you." I say which causes me to cough. I cover it with a fist and when I look at the fist I see it speckled with blood.

"Come on, I'm taking you to the hospital." She says trying to pull me to my feet.

"Please, no. Honestly what's done is done. Please, if I'm going to go, I want it to be here with you. I just want you to hold me one last time." I feel calm. I feel okay. She climbs into the tub then and wraps her arms so tightly around me that I feel she may squeeze the little bit of life left in me out.

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too. Please, please don't leave me, don't go." She sobs. Then I realize. It wasn't some girl having a bad trip. It was Emily, screaming because she thought that I was dead.

I close my eyes again. Suddenly I'm not curled up freezing cold in a bathtub coughing up blood. I am at our senior prom. I went with Toby and she went with Sara. We were slow dancing with our dates and I looked over Toby's shoulder and saw her and Sara talking and laughing. It was nice to see her smile. But I couldn't help but imagine what it would have been like if I had taken her here instead. Soon she pulled Sara close and laid her chin on her shoulder, much how I had a hold of Toby. Slowly our turning synced and we made eye contact. Her big dark eyes were so intense. She smiled at me. I gave her a little smirk. I knew then that I had to break up with Toby. If I would rather be in my best friend's arms than my boyfriend's then there was probably a problem.

I open my eyes for just a moment. I am in a big warm bed. Everything in my entire body and down to my goddamned black soul is throbbing in pain. It's too much so I close my eyes again.

It's Christmas, our first and only Christmas together as a couple. Judy Garland's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas was playing softly in the background. She was giddy, like a little girl running around placing decorations and looking for more. I just sat back and watched her for awhile. I loved seeing her this light and happy. I cautiously felt the baggy of Oxycodone in my pocket. I was feeling pretty low that day and thought that I may need a pick me up. Emily went to the tree and began hanging the garland. She turned to me.

"Come on, Spence! I want you to help!" She smiled so wide. How could I say no to a face like that? How could I remind her about how much I fucking hate the drab cold and the commercialism of christmas?

"Like this?" I asked her. She nodded gleefully. She ran to the other room and returned with something behind her back. The corners of her mouth were twitching trying to resist the stupid smile that wanted to be there.

"I got something for you." She said almost nervously. I stopped with the garland and gave her my attention. From behind her back she pulled a beautiful white and maroon stocking with 'Spencer' embroidered in the most ornate golden writing. I smiled widely then and took it from her.

"You got this for me? To hang here?" I asked with surprise.

"I want you to stay here with me for the Christmas season. I want to celebrate Christmas with you and New Year's. I love you, Spence." She said stepping to me and placing her hands on my chest. Tears had sprung into my eyes then. Because that was the first time that she had said I love you without an ounce of regret about it.

I went up stairs shortly after and flushed the pills down the sink.

I open my eyes and feel a cup against my mouth. The water inside is cold and feels wonderful.

"Come on baby you've got to drink some water or I really am going to have to take you to the hospital for an IV." Emily says. I feel consciousness drifting into me. Consciousness and aching pain.

"Give me the IV and I'll do it myself, I'm pretty good." I say attempting to take in as much water as I can.

"Not funny. Though I'm glad to hear you talk. Don't drink too fast last time you threw it up." She warns.

"Last time?" I ask.

"You don't remember? You woke up for a while yesterday, you wouldn't talk to me but you drank a bunch of water. You threw some of it up because you were chugging it so fast." She says wiping at the corners of my mouth. She is the most nurturing woman that I have ever met. I look at her face for a moment. She looks great. Her hair is shorter than when we split. It's up by her shoulders now. She looks so mature. Her walls are painted taupe instead of brown now too.

"No I don't remember. In fact, how do I know this isn't a dream?" I ask reaching out and touching her face.

"Because in your dreams, I probably let you do things like that." She says removing my hand and putting it back on the cup. I feel the pain of her rejection start in my chest and run all the way down my arm and to my fingertips.

"You need to rest up and stay hydrated. I'm going to take you to a rehab facility when you're feeling better. I love you, but I can't save you. This is beyond me, beyond anyone." She says. She isn't emotional about it anymore. Who knows how long I have been out. She's had a lot of time to think about it.

"Can you help me up so I can use the restroom?" I ask. She lifts me to my feet and I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller. My knees are literally knocking I am shaking so hard.

She leads me to the door and I leave her there using the counter to lead me to the toilet. Christ I want to claw my own damn skin off with how it's crawling. I want a hit, I want something, anything. I finish and return to her, resisting the urger to raid the medicine cabinet. I try to walk without her and fall into her arms. She starts to lift me but pauses in noticing how close our faces are.

"Did you mean it? When you said that you would never stop loving me?" I ask trying not to cry and failing in a dramatic fashion.

"I'm going to love you until the day I die." She says seriously before she kisses me hard on the mouth. My heart rushes harder than that first hit of heroin. Her mouth moving against me is all I have ever wanted.

I realize then that there is something cold on my cheek where her hand is holding my face. She has pulled away slightly and we are just looking into one another's eyes. She is searching my expression for why I suddenly look so pained and confused. The coldness feels like metal. And it's on her left hand. I slowly reach up and grab her hand and look at the large engagement ring there.

"Oh…" I say quietly. She tries to pull her hand away but I just hold it and stare, my eyes as wide as half dollars.

"Spencer, I couldn't wait around and watch you die." She says. I shake my head slightly still not looking away from the ring.

"No, I get it. Are you happy?" I ask.

"Don't ask me that. Please, don't ask me that." She pleads with me.

"All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy you know." I can't stop staring at that ring. Because it is silver. And I know that Emily has always preferred gold.

She leads me to her bed where I lay down and cry. We don't talk for the rest of the evening. She just brings me glasses of water which I obediently drink. I don't know how but I know. I know that Kylie put that ring on her finger. I look around the room with new scrutinizing eyes. All of the pictures of Em and the girls and Em and her family are gone. And there aren't really any of her and Kylie either. I do see a couple of Kylie and what must be her friends or family. One of just Kylie. It's weird. It's not like Emily.

She comes in around midnight and finds me shaking and itching at my wrists. I hadn't even noticed I was doing it. She gives me a strong antihistamine to help calm my nerves. Then she sits next to me, knees to chest, resting her head on them she watches me. She looks so sad. Distant. I want to reach out to her but every time I move I feel like bees are swimming through my veins.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask finally, appreciating the way that she ignores my constant movement and shaking voice more than I could express.

"I was just thinking about that time when you surprised me with dinner after I had had a really long week. I hadn't even told you how stressed I may not have been the most dependable girlfriend but you knew how to make me feel loved." She says with a soft smile.

"Oh, now you'll call me your girlfriend." I say sarcastically.

"Can you blame me for holding back?" She asks seriously.

"No. Not at all actually. I can't blame you for anything." I say sadly.

"Can I have one more of those antihistamines? I'm not trying to get high, it's just that detox is a bit more than a seasonal inconvenience." I remind her, hoping her mercy will win over her hesitance. She gets me two more.

"I trust you." She says setting them on the end table. She always kept all of our pills under lock and key. Even the Tums and vitamins. For once I don't betray her trust and I only take one.

"I know that you're taken, but could you hold me tonight? Like when we were little and I had nightmares?" I ask tears welling in my eyes. She doesn't say a word, just lifts the covers and wraps her arms around me.

"I'm sorry Em. I'm just so sorry." I cry desperately.

"I know baby. So am I." She whispers into my ear as I drift into the best sleep that I have gotten in roughly a year.

"What the fuck is going on here!?" I hear shouting. The digital alarm clock says 5:00 AM. I turn over and Emily has already sprung to her feet. Kylie is in the room.

"Ky, let me explain!" She starts reaching for her.

"Yeah, you'd better get talking!" She says through teeth as she grabs Emily's face aggressively in her hand. Emily calls out in pain and I could kill this woman with my bare hands if I were fully functional.

"Let her go!" I shout in my squeaky hoarse voice.

"And you had better shut the fuck up and get out!" She yells turning to me.

"Ky come here, listen." Emily softly tries to pull her attention away from me and I'm sick to my stomach.

"I knew it had to do with her I knew it." Kylie yells jabbing a finger into Emily's face.

"She was dying Kylie, I'm just trying to help her. I'm going to take her to a rehab okay? I couldn't just let her die." Emily tries to reason with her. Kylie grabs Emily's wrist hard enough that I see the pain on her face, and I know this isn't the first time that she has been aggressive with her because she is trying to hide the pain. She's lucky I'm incapacitated cause right now I want to fucking rip her apart.

"You're damn right she's going! She is going as soon as they open. When do they open!?" Kylie demands.

"Eight o'clock." Emily says quietly staring into her eyes and trying her best to not show a reaction to Kylie's grip on her arm.

"Then she better be gone by then. And then we can discuss what the fuck we're going to do about us, if there is an us." She screams in her face before storming out.

Emily goes into the bathroom before I can say a word to her. I try to sit up. I want to follow her. But my eyelids are still so heavy and I'm still shaking. My head lays back on the pillow.

My mind drifts away. I see flashes. Images and moments of Emily. Me approaching her at her locker as she placed her hair behind her ear our first day of high school. Her diving under and rising above the water when I caught her practicing for swim. When we were little kids and would always end up arguing over who won games because we're both so damn competitive. Our first date when I took her to a play and I felt nervous to reach over and take her hand even though we had slept together just a couple nights before. My mind lingers on the memory of us arguing at the grocery store six months into our romantic relationship. The discussion got more and more heated even as we were driving away. It got heated to the point that we were yelling and she ended up pulling into an abandoned parking lot where we began by aggressively fucking our frustrations out and then ended up sweetly making love for hours. That image of her naked body underneath mine shakes me to the core. We're lucky that we never got caught on our public escapades. I guess I really am addicted to risk as much as anything. But, if you could bottle up that girl's love and inject it into my veins then I would never take another drug as long as I live.

"Spence? It's time to get up." She whispers, on her knees beside the bed. I don't say anything I just try to sit up.

"How do you feel?" She asks me.

"Like I overdosed a few days ago." I laugh. She looks at me concerned.

"Spencer... How long do you think you've been here?" She asks. I look at her confused. I don't know how to answer as I'm scared now.

"It's been two weeks." She says sitting down next to me. My jaw drops.

"Oh my god, Emily you've got to be kidding me. There is no way." I stammer out trying to wrap my head around it.

"You have been really in and out. A few days you were out all day or woke up just to eat or drink and use the restroom." She fills me in.

"You've done too much for me." I grab her hand. She starts to pull away, probably thinking of Kylie and I let go first. She gets me showered and dressed and we get in her car.

"Are you ready for this?" She asks.

"As I'll ever be." I say. I look over at her arm and see that it looks a bit red where Kylie grabbed her earlier.

"Em, is Kylie always like that?" I ask cautiously.

"No. I mean she has a temper but you know I'm difficult. Can you blame her? She found me wrapped around my ex girlfriend." She says. It sounds so rehearsed.

"Yeah I can blame her actually. You aren't difficult. You're a dream." I say firmly.

"Were you that much better to me?" She tries to joke.

"I never would have grabbed you like that. And you know it." I say. She doesn't say anything.

"Do the girls approve of her?" I ask. She looks even more sad.

"Kylie didn't really like the girls. She thought Hanna had a thing for me and her and Aria got into it so I don't really hang out with them anymore." No amount of rehearsal could hide how she misses them. I am shocked at her.

"They didn't approve of us either and I never would have made you choose." I say.

"I can't believe you Em. That's not you. You're the loyal one. The one they could count on. And you let them go for her? For some hot headed jealous control-freak?" I try to reason with her.

"Enough! You know I never would have even noticed her if you hadn't pointed out how she felt to me. I confronted her about it because I thought you were wrong and she confessed her feelings for me. And I was pretty damn lonely at the time. So thanks for that." She says pulling up to the facility and parking.

"You can't blame me for that ring on your finger. But Emily, you know you don't love her. And you know you deserve better." I say unrelenting.

"It's too late." She cries, the pressure of everything finally causing her to crack.

"You aren't married yet." I say seriously. At first she scoffs but then she starts to think.

"We set the date for next September." She says quietly.

"Emily." I grab her face gently in my hands. "Don't get married while I'm gone. I'm going to go in there and I'm going to do whatever it takes and I'm going to get better. And then I'm going to come and love you the way I should have the first time. The way you deserve." I have never meant anything more in my entire life.

"How can you say that? You don't know. We've been down this road so many times." She's still crying.

"Not like this. Not the right way. I know that I need you more than drugs. I will die without you. I almost did. I have always said that I need you more than them, but I don't think that I truly got what that meant until now. I'm finally ready to not only need you more than drugs, but to only need you. I'll come back to you, Emily. Will you take me when I do?" I ask, I need to know. Slowly she nods and our mouths crash together hungry for contact. Her kiss fills me with the courage I need to really do this.

"Please, get better. I won't get married. Just get better." She cries clinging to me.

"I love you, Emily Fields. And I'm finally going to act like it." I say.

"I love you too." She says as I get out of the car and step through the doors of my new life.

 **Well, I hope that you guys enjoyed the roller coaster that this story was! I heard this song and it started to remind me of certain past experiences and thought the tone suited Spencer's character and couldn't get the story out of my head. Thank you all for reading!**

 **If you guys would like to see me write more Spemily, let me know!**


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